Tears of a Clown

Today is my nephew's 4th birthday, I haven't seen him for about 2 years, since my mum's 60th, so am feeling a bit sad. My brother& I never really got on, although we are fine when we do see each other, and share a lot of the same values, morals and politics etc. even humour. I looked after him a lot when we were growing up and was the bossy older sister, not that I really wanted to be in charge. I had hoped that we might have a better relationship as adults, but he got married straight out of university, and I managed to f**k that up too. Not his wedding you understand, he just said he wasn't sure about getting married, had not been sure about the relationship at times, and had met someone else on kibbutz which he told wife-to-be about in his unerring honesty.

When he told me he was getting married, I took all the wisdom of the 5 and a half years I have on him, and launched into a speil about how he should be sure and otherwise shouldn't be getting married. In his unerring honesty, and feeling got at as is understandable, he relayed all of this to my now sister in law who managed to take it personally. It wasn't, but that Christmas she felt uncomfortable and I was supposed to rescue things, which I did try to do in the pub, but I have less in common with her than a plug socket. Various attempts since, in various guises, have flatlined and I have given up.

It is easy to understand her take on it, with no family to speak of herself, I was threatening the one she was creating. Since then, my parents have moved to their city because they wanted to live in a city, as well as to be near the grandchildren, and have taken it upon themselves to finance my brother's house purchases without giving me anything. It is their money apparently and they can do what they like with it. I still love them, and forgive them if that it to say I wish them all the best, but I think they did wrong. On the outside, I didn't look as if I needed their help, but that is because I am not my avaricious sister in law who told them she did, oh and I am the 'difficult' money grabbing one somehow. My brother disengenuously says that he didn't ask for it, but he was obviously happy to take it, and he has taken all the money there is. There is no more even if someone belatedly decided to play fair.

Add to all this that the friend I took to Suffolk spent most of Saturday making snide remarks in a way that felt like she was in competition with me, but for what I am not sure. I am an easy target, not that I expect my friends to take advantage of it, perhaps I had done something to upset her or make her feel uncomfortable. I think she wanted my friend in Suffolk to like her more than me, and even asked her why she would want to visit us in Leicestershire because it was flat and dull. I think perhaps we are the draw, rather than the landscape!

So a bit flat and reflective today, but looking forward to Benjamin opening my present, I was told to get a musical toy so bought a xylophone. How to p**s off his parents... I got so upset while I was writing this that I finally sent my parents an email. I started to write a letter a year ago, but couldn't finish it, and I am not sure I am crying any less now. Still 'tis done and shall not be undone, although I can quite imagine my mum just replying sorry you feel that way and let us know when you feel better. It will all be my fault, blamed on my depression/vulnerability, and no acknowledgement that I have any right to feel I have been treated unfairly. I don't even want any money, the distribution of wealth just seemed to shout about the way we are valued, and tell me I am not.