Sunday, September 03, 2006
Rules are meant to be broken. It was only a couple of posts ago that I declared I wasn't going to angst here, but today I am floundering so I am looking for help. Do you have days when life feels pointless, when there are a million and one things you need to do but you don't feel motivated to do any of them? I have work I should have been doing for weeks, but really haven't been able to get on with it, it's my MA & I don't want to fail, but I am doing really well at heading that way. The agonies of depression are just that, & this isn't, but it sure is a melancholia I'm finding hard to shake off. It isn't as glamourous as melancholy is in novels, & it is actually v.irritating, because there is nothing at all to feel bad about in my life. I could be writing something, or I could be doing something around the house, & it is a sunny day when I could just be going for a walk but my thoughts are too painful for me to be alone with. I spent most of the day under the covers, but that is only a sanctuary when sleep takes over, & I feel guilty at the lack of productiveness in my life. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, a day when I will get up raring to go in my more usual zeal of taking life on. Maybe now I will go & wash the kitchen floor/bath which would be a small victory over languor. Writing this down has helped, & at least I am now sat at the desk, so might get on with something I should & manage to quit the self-loathing. Bleak moments come to us all; they are part and parcel of the human condition, so tell me what you do? Thank you.